Friday 29 May 2015

Rocky road

It took me more than 4 years to do something that I thought was impossible for me, and out of my reach!
I have finally learned how to enjoy my life! :D

I think depression it's still taboo and we don't speak at loud about it. I never did. Not many people knew that I had depression.

 Sometimes depression may effect people who are close to us and we may not be aware of it! And it is not just a bad day or lack of energy. Is something more! It is a nasty , heavy , dark voice who whispers to your ear over and over again that you are useless, not good enough ,you are not worthy of love , you are nothing! And it make you fell like everything is hopeless. It drags you down to that dark place where you feel alone and miss understood. You can't even understand yourself.

Many times I've been asking myself - what the fuck is wrong with me? Why I fell that way? Why I can't be like everybody else? Am I lazy or what?
Even the smallest challenge was like something impossible to do. Sometimes it was hard to drag myself out of bed in the morning, and do the simplest things during the day. But there was that one thing I mastered to perfection - fake smile. 

Not once, not twice that voice ( my own voice ) said to me that there is no point to try, no point to change something, you are useless, you are weak ,you are a one big mistake.
 Many times I felt so hopeless that I was willing to let it go....But today I'm glad that I didn't and I just kept going through the rocky road.

The biggest change in my attitude towards the world and myself occurred when I miscarried for the second time within a few months. That was like a punch into my stomach!!! Everything collapsed like dominoes, my plans&dreams, my self-esteem.... It hurt so much, physically and mentally, but then something snapped in me.

Few weeks after I realized ,that I started to perceive myself in a different way. The pressure I was always putting to myself dropped.
That was so liberating! All those things I was hating myself for become my strengths.
It was a huge step forward!

 Before I thought I need to do this and that in order to be liked and loved by people. I used to hate my own company! I could not even look at myself in the mirror!!!  But I always wanted to be around people, but when I was with them, I felt bad, I felt stressed out. I thought it is better that way, then to be alone with my own intrusive&pessimistic thoughts.

Now I try to put myself and my well-being on the first place. I enjoy people company more then ever before but I also really like my own company :D

Over those 4 years I've learned a lot about myself. And the most important - I've learned how to like myself. ♥

In last Monday I've finished a certain period of my life. I was coming back from my last counseling session and big tears were rolling out from my eyes. There were tears of happiness :) I was so proud of myself for what I achieved!  And now, when I look back, I'm incredible grateful for all those things that happened to me through my life, for all those people whom I met on my way,  because thanks to that I am who I am today.

Life will be easier or harder but I will always try my best by accepting things which I can not control and change those things, I'm able to change!



xoxo
Mags


Tuesday 12 May 2015

Go trekking!

How good it is to jump in to old track-suit, not worry about make -up, about hair ,about technological gadgets , no maps, no GPS, just pure nature, ( old track-suit, trekking shoes, backpack full of food, waterproof jacket, camera - camera is a must!  )  and you :D








xoxo
Mags

Friday 8 May 2015

Stop hating your body

Today's canons of beauty are hard to follow. Lean&flawless body, fine ass, full lips, flawless skin, long legs, shiny blond hair, eyelashes as curtains - long&thick, white teeth, tanned body, nice tits, flat stomach, skinny nose .... and so on and so on. 
Every day media provide us with further doses of information on the latest trends in fashion ( what we should wear in order to be trendy and cool! ) and beauty ( what cream we should buy to stay  forever young!) Anti wrinkle cream for dry skin, anti wrinkle cream for oil skin, anti wrinkle cream for combination skin,  night cream, day cream, anti aging cream, youth perfect, cell renew, triple active, anti imperfection, dehydrated skin, oil skin, combination skin, smoothing cream, illuminating cream, pro dark spots cream....and so on! 
We are constantly under huge pressure to fit in to media/society high expectations but lets face it, nobody is perfect! Even that 20 year old model who is advertising the newest anti wrinkles cream. ;)
We very often forget about something greater than fashion trends or beauty products. I'm talking about our inner beauty!!! And about that is the book I've read lately.


"WONDER" R.J. Palacio

 August is a 10 year old boy with a rare medical facial deformity. He has been home schooled for his entire life but now things are going to change. In the new environment Auggie is founding friends who see in him more then just deformed face.

xoxo
Mags

#17

Journey. That will be a title for the next year starting from today. Last year I asked myself out loud "how my life can change in a ...