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Rocky road

It took me more than 4 years to do something that I thought was impossible for me, and out of my reach!
I have finally learned how to enjoy my life! :D

I think depression it's still taboo and we don't speak at loud about it. I never did. Not many people knew that I had depression.

 Sometimes depression may effect people who are close to us and we may not be aware of it! And it is not just a bad day or lack of energy. Is something more! It is a nasty , heavy , dark voice who whispers to your ear over and over again that you are useless, not good enough ,you are not worthy of love , you are nothing! And it make you fell like everything is hopeless. It drags you down to that dark place where you feel alone and miss understood. You can't even understand yourself.

Many times I've been asking myself - what the fuck is wrong with me? Why I fell that way? Why I can't be like everybody else? Am I lazy or what?
Even the smallest challenge was like something impossible to do. Sometimes it was hard to drag myself out of bed in the morning, and do the simplest things during the day. But there was that one thing I mastered to perfection - fake smile. 

Not once, not twice that voice ( my own voice ) said to me that there is no point to try, no point to change something, you are useless, you are weak ,you are a one big mistake.
 Many times I felt so hopeless that I was willing to let it go....But today I'm glad that I didn't and I just kept going through the rocky road.

The biggest change in my attitude towards the world and myself occurred when I miscarried for the second time within a few months. That was like a punch into my stomach!!! Everything collapsed like dominoes, my plans&dreams, my self-esteem.... It hurt so much, physically and mentally, but then something snapped in me.

Few weeks after I realized ,that I started to perceive myself in a different way. The pressure I was always putting to myself dropped.
That was so liberating! All those things I was hating myself for become my strengths.
It was a huge step forward!

 Before I thought I need to do this and that in order to be liked and loved by people. I used to hate my own company! I could not even look at myself in the mirror!!!  But I always wanted to be around people, but when I was with them, I felt bad, I felt stressed out. I thought it is better that way, then to be alone with my own intrusive&pessimistic thoughts.

Now I try to put myself and my well-being on the first place. I enjoy people company more then ever before but I also really like my own company :D

Over those 4 years I've learned a lot about myself. And the most important - I've learned how to like myself. ♥

In last Monday I've finished a certain period of my life. I was coming back from my last counseling session and big tears were rolling out from my eyes. There were tears of happiness :) I was so proud of myself for what I achieved!  And now, when I look back, I'm incredible grateful for all those things that happened to me through my life, for all those people whom I met on my way,  because thanks to that I am who I am today.

Life will be easier or harder but I will always try my best by accepting things which I can not control and change those things, I'm able to change!



xoxo
Mags


Comments

  1. I am not telling you ... you shouldn't have felt that way because you are beautiful and amazing person! And you know that! But I am sorry you had to go through all of it. We have depression "in our family" and all mums sisters went through it a couple of times.... and I know how hard it is... but as you said: We have to look on our life and see what great things had already happened to us and what is still waiting! Life is amazing! :) Sometimes... when I feel a bit down.... I look to our "family chronicle" which I started when we got married and when I see what everything we have done, what we have achieved, where everywhere we have been..... I feel so proud and love my life again! :)

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    1. I like the idea with "family chronicle". And thank you for such a great comment! Life is amazing, indeed! But sometimes it's hard to see it that way. It is worth remembering that nothing is permanent, and even bad mood will finally go away.;)

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